Apparently my blog was deleted...WTF?

Maybe it's like a lack of activity thing? Or maybe I deleted it and forgot. I don't know.
I still don't have any Internet, which I don't like very much. It means that most of things I write float around the house on scraps of paper and eventually get thrown away.
And that whenever I'm here (being my parents house, source of holy interweb connection) I feel like I should go write crap so people don't think I'm dead.
So updates, which are mostly for me, so that I can place myself in time/ read back in a month and fill in the giant blank;
1. I still like my house, I like everything about it. I love the big windows and the little green front door, and the dollhouse sized rooms. I love my blue kitchen and orange bathroom. I love my study corner, and my bedroom. I love that there are books scattered everywhere. I love the quiet and the solitude.
2. I am sick of trying to think positively
3. I don't think I like myself as much as my house. My depression is getting worse. Anxiety's getting better though, I think.
4. I have sparkly moments and happy days, but most of the time I feel flat and grey and insignificant. Or angry. I tell myself that it's because I haven't had enough sleep or haven't been eating properly, but "taking care of myself" doesn't seem to be helping.
5. I'm turning 21 in two months. I think I'm not going to have a party. I don't want one.
6. I need a cat.
7. And a someone. Applications welcome. Girls only.
8. I've been tempted to start doing stupid self destructive things, but haven't. I am pleased, but also feel like being proud of myself for not scarring myself, or sleeping with people I don't even like, is slightly ridiculous. Maybe I just need to grow up, and toughen up a little.
9. My personal life may be bleakish BUT I'm pretty sure I have the best job on the world, ever.
10. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up anymore, I'm torn. Maybe I'll be someone else.
11. I don't cry anymore.