Three Small Things and One Big One That's Preying On My Mind

1.

I am reading ROOM by Emma Donoghue, and it is quietly blowing my mind into a thousand little pieces.

2.

I invariably spell pieces wrong.

3.

But I can spell invariably.

4.

I bought a copy of Vogue. Which I haven't done in a long while. But I saw it on the rack and the stark black letters on the white called to me.

And I read it. And I felt sick with myself and the world. I consider myself to be a feminist in my own quiet way. I've taken a gender and women's studies class, I would have taken more if they hadn't cut them. I've read The Beauty Myth.

I think I've always understood the principles-- I mean. But I've never really felt them before.

Theoretically I've been opposed to magazines only showing one type of woman, unrealistic standards blergh blah I don't need to say it, you've heard it.

But, I must admit, that I've always put pleasure before principle.

I like pretty things. I like beautiful clothes. And I was pretty good at looking past the ideological issues, through to the prettiness.

The fashion spreads existed for me as an escape from reality, and so long as I refrained from accepting them as a realistic standard, I was okay.

But this time I found myself really looking at the women's bodies and feeling uncomfortable.

I really for the first time questioned the idea that they were "beautiful".

I am not saying that a woman who is naturally tall, thin, even featured and possessing an angled face surrounded by a perfectly styled mane of hair is not beautiful.

But none of the women in my Vogue, looked even a little bit like me or the people I love.

I really do want to see different types of beauty celebrated. Real beauty, not "beauty" the product.

Like who gives a fuck about cellulite or stretch marks or weight or height? When I look at the beautiful, exquisitely lovely people around me I don't notice any of these things.

And yet I tear myself to pieces when I look in the mirror.

I don't know. I lost my point, I'm rambling.

I actually started this the other day and then the computer started making funny noises and I got scared and turned it off and lost the end. Which was rational. I think.