Happy Smiley

There are so many other blogs with this name.

But there were so many blogs with the other name, and I was beginning to cringe every time I saw it.

It seems funny that a few years ago I thought it was an okay-ish and kind of sweet title.

Cringey, cringey, cringe.

This name make me giggle, and want to type little happy faces.

In other news, I'm pretty sure I caught an eye infection from my baby-cat.

Disgusting.

Want

I want to write a book.
I want to be lighter and brighter.
I want to wake up.
I want to visit snow bound cities, and sit in an airport where the only voice I understand is my own.
I want perfect teeth.
I want my house to be clean and warm.
I want to be louder.
I want to be able to think of things to say.
I want this feeling to go away, the calm before a storm.
I want to see my future.
I want to be older and younger.
I want to want what I have.

Confessions and Musings In Three Parts.

On "work"-

I'm babysitting, but as my charge ( I love referring to children as my "charges" it makes me feel like a Victorian nanny in a starchy, foofy pinafore) is currently falling asleep on the floor, I think I'm actually just sitting. I sometimes feel like I shouldn't be paid for this.

Until I encounter an exploded colostomy bag/ have food thrown at me/ get bitten so hard that I scream. And then I think I should be paid a lot more.

But really he's an angelchild 90% of the time.

On "religion"-

This one's pretty darn controversial. And not controversial in a cool, fuck the man, rebellious, I cut my own hair and reject all stereotypes kind of way. I am so uncomfortable writing this.

The concept of Atheism makes me feel sad. I believe in god.

And this seems like a failure. It seems to me that a person well read. educated and not particularly stupid, would reach the logical conclusion that there is no god.

I should clarify, I do not consider myself to be Christian. I was raised in a Christian home, and whilst I don't want to demonize (haha, small joke) the culture, I can't say that it's had a positive effect on my family. I look at my mother and see fear that lies beneath her skin and weeps out through her pores. I see taught ignorance, and prejudice, and hands cupped over eyes. I look at my stepfather and see hypocrisy. My brother, and see rigidity, obsession, fixation. I can't get far enough away from myself to see at all clearly. But there's guilt, and anger, repression, anxiety, chaos.

But I still can't not believe in god. And maybe it's ridiculous idealism. Or maybe it's the way I was raised. But I also kind-of-sort-of believe in faeries and the Loch Ness monster. So... um. Moving on.

On "being a nosy nosy nosyparker" -

I love (love!) looking in other people fridges. Forget their bathroom cabinet, I want to see what they eat. If I'm left alone I go beyond sneaky glances, and actually pull out things to properly read labels and ingredients, and see what's at the back of the shelf. All the while trembling and checking over my shoulder. I've never been caught yet. The people here cook with saffron (saffron!) and lots of fancy fancy oils. And I think they're out of sugar.

Glowbeth

Good morning world, I'm making pancakes. Massive amounts of pancakes.
I'm also drinking Mountain Dew.
It looks radioactive. I'm probably glow-in-the-dark-able now.
I'm pretending that I don't actually have to take my medication today.
And having a conversation with a rather large doggy trying to climb in my lap, it's mostly going like this,
ME: Meow
JACK: Rowrowrowl
ME: Woowooowooo
JACK: Yip yap... Arf!

There now, aren't you glad I shared?

Helloooo little bloggy

I haven't seen you in the longest time.
I'm sorry I haven't been around. It's not you, it's me. I just needed some space.
Mmmm internet detox is good for my brain. But I do miss you a bit.
Maybe we can discuss and redefine our relationship. And set some boundaries.
I love you very much little neglected internet space.
Beth <3

Also Dear World At Large
Last night I saw Amanda Palmer play and she gave me a real-proper-holding-on-tight-hug.
It was Awesome.
That's all.
Now I'm going to drop off the map again for a while, so no one can find me :)

Dear Before-Me

It's ok.
You feel better now.
Mostly, not all the time. But when you're sad it's because of other things, that are new.
You didn't think it would happen,
but you woke one morning and thought "I don't care anymore".
And you really didn't.
You felt sad that you'd lost a friend and some time, but you also felt that life would be a lot less complicated.
You thought about the girl you'd met in the shops, and how nice she was and felt a bit sparkly. You thought about someone that you'd had a silly giggly tongue tied crush on for ages, and felt silly and giggly and lighter.
You thought about unrequieted crushes and decided thay were funner than bizarre relationships. You got up and made some coffee (instant of course) and daydreamed.
You dressed in the clothes you liked best and painted your nails red.
You felt happy, and sang to yourself loudly, not just under your breath.
Hang in there darling girl, wait a few months, and you'll see.
I'm telling truths.
Lots of love from,
Yourself.

Apparently my blog was deleted...WTF?

Maybe it's like a lack of activity thing? Or maybe I deleted it and forgot. I don't know.
I still don't have any Internet, which I don't like very much. It means that most of things I write float around the house on scraps of paper and eventually get thrown away.
And that whenever I'm here (being my parents house, source of holy interweb connection) I feel like I should go write crap so people don't think I'm dead.
So updates, which are mostly for me, so that I can place myself in time/ read back in a month and fill in the giant blank;
1. I still like my house, I like everything about it. I love the big windows and the little green front door, and the dollhouse sized rooms. I love my blue kitchen and orange bathroom. I love my study corner, and my bedroom. I love that there are books scattered everywhere. I love the quiet and the solitude.
2. I am sick of trying to think positively
3. I don't think I like myself as much as my house. My depression is getting worse. Anxiety's getting better though, I think.
4. I have sparkly moments and happy days, but most of the time I feel flat and grey and insignificant. Or angry. I tell myself that it's because I haven't had enough sleep or haven't been eating properly, but "taking care of myself" doesn't seem to be helping.
5. I'm turning 21 in two months. I think I'm not going to have a party. I don't want one.
6. I need a cat.
7. And a someone. Applications welcome. Girls only.
8. I've been tempted to start doing stupid self destructive things, but haven't. I am pleased, but also feel like being proud of myself for not scarring myself, or sleeping with people I don't even like, is slightly ridiculous. Maybe I just need to grow up, and toughen up a little.
9. My personal life may be bleakish BUT I'm pretty sure I have the best job on the world, ever.
10. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up anymore, I'm torn. Maybe I'll be someone else.
11. I don't cry anymore.