Friday, October 30, 2009

Therapy

Gratitude.
The very thing I needed, to be paused in my semi-organised ramblings, in my disjointed explanations; scraps of reality mingled with terminology and an assortment of jargon I knew all too well.
I have studied well, I know my histories.
Honest stumblings, and I don't knows. Please just fix me, sitting alongside of I'm pretty sure, because, and then this happened.
Of course I've heard of the amigdala (I think mine is broken, I flee and I fight myself, and only for others).
I learned this, as some girls learn to weed a flower bed, or stitch a seam.
I am quiet, calm, clear spoken, oh so poised. And if I steel myself, I can meet your eyes.
At my mothers knee.
Look, look at me, I know the answers. I hardly need to be here, really.
She steps through the door, sure to be welcome.
Opens, the curtains. Smiles.
"Put away your knives drawer girl, we're going for a walk".
My mind writhes, the questions are becoming difficult,
blank,
I am blank.
And not ready.
I watch as she performs seemingly small acts of kindness, and knowing how much they cost her, I am proud. Proud to be her daughter.
Continue, don't pause too long, don't ramble now, don't.
Gold stars plastered across my fingers, tremor beneath their weight.
Might I have some to cover my arms?
The very thing I needed.
Uncertain,
I know my family history.
I am becoming uncertain.
But recent happenings have me confused.
I'm not crazy, not even a little, you know.
I couldn't feel my skull. My head had a hole in it, and it let in a draft.
I am in control.
There were people, so many people.
And they just
kept
I am poised.
coming,
walking out of the darkness,
and
I am not calm.
throwing themselves,
beneath the wheels..
To be stopped, gently, looked straight in the eyes,
steady blue, like mine.
Blue eyes have forgotten how to lie, I know.
And they were never very good at it in the first place.
"I just wanted to say, I think you're incredible. Absolutely wonderful".
The very thing.
My head is faulty, my heart fallen out the hole.
My body trembles, yet my breath comes still.
And I am a wonderful being, absolutely wonderful.

2 comments:

  1. Beth.
    This is beautiful, painful, wonderful, emotional.
    Perfect.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm glad that its not just me who knows you are wonderful :)

    I love you.

    ReplyDelete