Sunday, July 31, 2011

Happy Smiley

There are so many other blogs with this name.
But there were so many blogs with the other name, and I was beginning to cringe every time I saw it.
It seems funny that a few years ago I thought it was an okay-ish and kind of sweet title.
Cringey, cringey, cringe.
This name make me giggle, and want to type little happy faces.

In other news, I'm pretty sure I caught an eye infection from my baby-cat.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011


I want to write a book.
I want to be lighter and brighter.
I want to wake up.
I want to visit snow bound cities, and sit in an airport where the only voice I understand is my own.
I want perfect teeth.
I want my house to be clean and warm.
I want to be louder.
I want to be able to think of things to say.
I want this feeling to go away, the calm before a storm.
I want to see my future.
I want to be older and younger.
I want to want what I have.

Friday, July 08, 2011

Confessions and Musings In Three Parts.

On "work"-
I'm babysitting, but as my charge ( I love referring to children as my "charges" it makes me feel like a Victorian nanny in a starchy, foofy pinafore) is currently falling asleep on the floor, I think I'm actually just sitting. I sometimes feel like I shouldn't be paid for this.
Until I encounter an exploded colostomy bag/ have food thrown at me/ get bitten so hard that I scream. And then I think I should be paid a lot more.
But really he's an angelchild 90% of the time.

On "religion"-
This one's pretty darn controversial. And not controversial in a cool, fuck the man, rebellious, I cut my own hair and reject all stereotypes kind of way. I am so uncomfortable writing this.
The concept of Atheism makes me feel sad. I believe in god.
And this seems like a failure. It seems to me that a person well read. educated and not particularly stupid, would reach the logical conclusion that there is no god.
I should clarify, I do not consider myself to be Christian. I was raised in a Christian home, and whilst I don't want to demonize (haha, small joke) the culture, I can't say that it's had a positive effect on my family. I look at my mother and see fear that lies beneath her skin and weeps out through her pores. I see taught ignorance, and prejudice, and hands cupped over eyes. I look at my stepfather and see hypocrisy. My brother, and see rigidity, obsession, fixation. I can't get far enough away from myself to see at all clearly. But there's guilt, and anger, repression, anxiety, chaos.
But I still can't not believe in god. And maybe it's ridiculous idealism. Or maybe it's the way I was raised. But I also kind-of-sort-of believe in faeries and the Loch Ness monster. So... um. Moving on.

On "being a nosy nosy nosyparker" -
I love (love!) looking in other people fridges. Forget their bathroom cabinet, I want to see what they eat. If I'm left alone I go beyond sneaky glances, and actually pull out things to properly read labels and ingredients, and see what's at the back of the shelf. All the while trembling and checking over my shoulder. I've never been caught yet. The people here cook with saffron (saffron!) and lots of fancy fancy oils. And I think they're out of sugar.