Sunday, May 30, 2010

Dear Before-Me

It's ok.
You feel better now.
Mostly, not all the time. But when you're sad it's because of other things, that are new.
You didn't think it would happen,
but you woke one morning and thought "I don't care anymore".
And you really didn't.
You felt sad that you'd lost a friend and some time, but you also felt that life would be a lot less complicated.
You thought about the girl you'd met in the shops, and how nice she was and felt a bit sparkly. You thought about someone that you'd had a silly giggly tongue tied crush on for ages, and felt silly and giggly and lighter.
You thought about unrequieted crushes and decided thay were funner than bizarre relationships. You got up and made some coffee (instant of course) and daydreamed.
You dressed in the clothes you liked best and painted your nails red.
You felt happy, and sang to yourself loudly, not just under your breath.
Hang in there darling girl, wait a few months, and you'll see.
I'm telling truths.
Lots of love from,
Yourself.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Apparently my blog was deleted...WTF?

Maybe it's like a lack of activity thing? Or maybe I deleted it and forgot. I don't know.
I still don't have any Internet, which I don't like very much. It means that most of things I write float around the house on scraps of paper and eventually get thrown away.
And that whenever I'm here (being my parents house, source of holy interweb connection) I feel like I should go write crap so people don't think I'm dead.
So updates, which are mostly for me, so that I can place myself in time/ read back in a month and fill in the giant blank;
1. I still like my house, I like everything about it. I love the big windows and the little green front door, and the dollhouse sized rooms. I love my blue kitchen and orange bathroom. I love my study corner, and my bedroom. I love that there are books scattered everywhere. I love the quiet and the solitude.
2. I am sick of trying to think positively
3. I don't think I like myself as much as my house. My depression is getting worse. Anxiety's getting better though, I think.
4. I have sparkly moments and happy days, but most of the time I feel flat and grey and insignificant. Or angry. I tell myself that it's because I haven't had enough sleep or haven't been eating properly, but "taking care of myself" doesn't seem to be helping.
5. I'm turning 21 in two months. I think I'm not going to have a party. I don't want one.
6. I need a cat.
7. And a someone. Applications welcome. Girls only.
8. I've been tempted to start doing stupid self destructive things, but haven't. I am pleased, but also feel like being proud of myself for not scarring myself, or sleeping with people I don't even like, is slightly ridiculous. Maybe I just need to grow up, and toughen up a little.
9. My personal life may be bleakish BUT I'm pretty sure I have the best job on the world, ever.
10. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up anymore, I'm torn. Maybe I'll be someone else.
11. I don't cry anymore.