Friday, July 08, 2011

Confessions and Musings In Three Parts.

On "work"-
I'm babysitting, but as my charge ( I love referring to children as my "charges" it makes me feel like a Victorian nanny in a starchy, foofy pinafore) is currently falling asleep on the floor, I think I'm actually just sitting. I sometimes feel like I shouldn't be paid for this.
Until I encounter an exploded colostomy bag/ have food thrown at me/ get bitten so hard that I scream. And then I think I should be paid a lot more.
But really he's an angelchild 90% of the time.

On "religion"-
This one's pretty darn controversial. And not controversial in a cool, fuck the man, rebellious, I cut my own hair and reject all stereotypes kind of way. I am so uncomfortable writing this.
The concept of Atheism makes me feel sad. I believe in god.
And this seems like a failure. It seems to me that a person well read. educated and not particularly stupid, would reach the logical conclusion that there is no god.
I should clarify, I do not consider myself to be Christian. I was raised in a Christian home, and whilst I don't want to demonize (haha, small joke) the culture, I can't say that it's had a positive effect on my family. I look at my mother and see fear that lies beneath her skin and weeps out through her pores. I see taught ignorance, and prejudice, and hands cupped over eyes. I look at my stepfather and see hypocrisy. My brother, and see rigidity, obsession, fixation. I can't get far enough away from myself to see at all clearly. But there's guilt, and anger, repression, anxiety, chaos.
But I still can't not believe in god. And maybe it's ridiculous idealism. Or maybe it's the way I was raised. But I also kind-of-sort-of believe in faeries and the Loch Ness monster. So... um. Moving on.

On "being a nosy nosy nosyparker" -
I love (love!) looking in other people fridges. Forget their bathroom cabinet, I want to see what they eat. If I'm left alone I go beyond sneaky glances, and actually pull out things to properly read labels and ingredients, and see what's at the back of the shelf. All the while trembling and checking over my shoulder. I've never been caught yet. The people here cook with saffron (saffron!) and lots of fancy fancy oils. And I think they're out of sugar.


  1. You write so beautifully, Beth, I miss your lovely words.

  2. Yay for more of your lovely words, i miss them too. I can't say I don't believe in faeries (I can say I don't believe in faries)and I can't say I'm not worried what you found in the back of our fridge. <3

  3. It's really sad that you look at your family and can't see positive things about Christianity:(

    But you should totally come and meet some of my church mates sometime and you'll see how happy and free they are because of Jesus. It's not all bad! (I know you met that sunday school girl but she's not my friend so she's not part of the happiness and awesomeness. And that was really awful and I still want to cry every time I think about it.)

    I love you lots and I'm so excited that you're coming to stay even though I am scared now that you'll snoop in my fridge.