Friday, September 02, 2011

Tense

I am tense. And tired. And frustrated. And wound up so tightly I might scream, or stop breathing, or catch sight of myself making grotesque faces in the mirror, and recoil.
And I am tired, it has to be said twice. It's probably causing all the rest. I spent another night chasing sleep. It's so hard to lie there passively, with my eyes pinned shut, knowing that I can do nothing else to change it.
It, being my body's lack of ability to do something that is basic, instinctual, untaught and easy.
I felt so happy a month ago. And really I should feel the same way now. I've had a wonderful fortnight. I should be feeling content and happy in a slightly overindulged, gluttonous way. I've filled my mind with the most beautiful images. But they escape me.
I've lost my appetite.

3 comments:

  1. Oh honey I am so sorry! I know how horrible and head messing upy not getting sleep can be and I know it's harder than it 'should' be. But honey, don't should on yourself, you are just feeliing the way you are at the moment and it's horrible and exhausting but it happens sometimes and it isn't your fault. Once Kimya Dawson tweeted The greatest leasson I ever learned was thatI am not my emotions or something like that and first I was like whatever and I like some of my emotions and being a bit crazy gives makes me a bit awesome, but then I felt god aweful for a week or two and I was scared I was falling down a dark whole or something and I told myself than the way I was feeling wasn't me and eventually I felt better. Probably none of this helps but maybe all this blabbering let's you know I love you and thinking of you and if I was there I would give you a big strong hug :)

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