Sunday, March 07, 2010

Clearing out my head, to make room for the week.

So here's the problem (or a problem, one of many really, since I'm being honest)
I feel stupid. I feel ridiculous.
I feel incredibly young and foolish and gullible, and at the same time, far too old to be handling all of this so badly.
I feel stupid.
Every time I slip up and think of something that makes me think of you (which by the way, is just about anything), every morning that I wake up from dreams of you (about two - three times per week, in case anyone was wondering), I feel stupid.
I feel humiliated.
When I breathe in, and my chest hurts, when I am close to tears, I feel ashamed.
I should be okay by now. I should be better. I should have reduced you to a her, she, or they.
Or a "nobody, just this girl I knew once, for a while, sort of."

But anyway, life goes on. And I'm trying to go with it.
I have a job interview in the morning- for a decent place.
I'm going to see Amanda Palmer on Friday, with my best Fran-friend, and hear Neil Gaiman speak on Saturday.
There's an engagement party the week after that, and I think I'm meant to make a toast maybe.
I don't know how to make toasts.
I'm trying to co-operate with Life, and not resist too much.
Or sleep too much.
Or spend too much time in the bath, staring at my knees.
I think it would be very hard to drown in the bath. I tried it once, not properly, just to see.
An experiment.
I sunk under, filled my nose with water, and came up spluttering.
Not how I thought it would be.
I thought it might be peaceful, maybe.

I played music yesterday, for the first time in two years.
I played Brahms, and Bach, and Beethoven, and Gluck, and Vivaldi.
Gluck is my favourite, even though he has the least beautiful name.

2 comments:

  1. You are Beautiful and Intelliegent. You have the best mind space i know, I wish it was mine. Everybody feels stupid and ridiculous sometimes you don't need a person to make you feel that way but FUCK THEM. Things are and will get(ting) better, and even better than they were before cause (I rekon) new hurt means new wonderful. I'm rambling the point is LOVE

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  2. LOVE back to my Frannie <3
    You are gooder to me than I am to me.

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