Monday, May 11, 2009

Girl, Seeks Understanding Of Herself Or Others.


Lately I have been feeling as if I have lost myself somehow, along the way.
This, I regretfully admit, is not an unfamiliar feeling, I am careless.

In the past I have been discovered sitting under trees, or once on a park bench, patiently waiting to be reclaimed.
However, this time I suspect that I am unrecoverable.
I fear I have fallen off of the edge.


I considered putting out a Wanted ad...
"Wanted: Complete persona, in good condition. Second hand acceptable, in fact pre-loved preferable".
Or something in the Personals, "Girl, seeks understanding of self".
But responses to previous, similar enquiries have proved quite strange.

Clearly not the path to take.



I am finding, these days, that the only time I understand myself remotely, is when I am explaining myself to others.
Hearing the words float from my mouth, I recognise them, vaguely. Reach out and catch them. Store them away.

I am re-learning me.


This is what I have so far.
Beginning from the beginning...a strange place really. To begin, I mean. My memories, so far as I can recall, travelled backwards., cycling rapidly in reverse toward the end. Or the beginning.
No matter, these first are not memories. Merely things I must remember.



I am born wrong.
Pale and small.
Limbs splayed awkwardly in all the wrong directions.
Fists clenched tight.

And I have scarcely the sense to breathe.


Entwined in tubes, placed in a box.
First breath, tastes like plastic. And saline.

To this day, I am a claustrophobe.


Here is a happy thought, the kind to fly with.

My father wheels himself out into the corridor, faces the expectant faces.

"It..it...it's a baby!"

"It's a baby". That was always my favourite bit.

2 comments:

  1. "It's a baby!"

    that's so adorable.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I have given up trying to find myself. Coz every time I catch a glimpse, I morph into something else.

    Also, this way there are always surprises. With a superfluous r.

    ReplyDelete